Living beyond me

Here goes....Well over the last few years God has been challenging me to live more and more beyond me beyond myself! Hence the title of my new blog. It hasn't been an easy journey that's for sure but I am willing most days lol !!! God has been shifting my focus. My heart broken more and more for what breaks His. I have prayed for this but some day's I wish I hadn't as it all consuming and I just can't shake it. What I have read,seen and heard has changed me forever I just could not ignore it anymore. Now that I seen I am responsible RIGHT!!? In my blogs I will be sharing my heart and passions on " Adoption, Fostering, Aids and the orphan crisis and Africa especially Uganda.
I was longing to see change and God so graciously said to me what will you do? So here is a bit of my journey so far of LIVING BEYOND ME!!!!

THE GIFT and HEARTACHE of FOSTERING.....

Lately I have been looking hard at why we decided to
foster?  When it has cost so
much....time, effort, loss, blood sweat and tears!!! And I’m not joking!  It sure has NOT been an easy road but you know it has been so worth it!!!

The crazy thing is it’s one thing I said I could never ever do
foster!!!! Well God had a different plan haha!! And I kinda love that. The cool
thing was God worked on my heart and Hayden’s too which is so amazing. We are
in this together!!!  I said I would never
foster because I wouldn’t be able to give them back. Well the truth is that the
exactly the thing I’m finding sooooo HARD at the moment letting go and letting
God! Man it sure is hard!!!  Hayden and I
always said though IT's NOT ABOUT US!!! it’s about the beautiful children out
there that need a home and a family to love them and they are in our own
city!! How could we do nothing knowing the need is so great. So we put
our hand up and decided we would stand in that GAP for these precious life’s!!

It amazes me what people say actually especially Christan
people I find it all to much to shallow sometimes. When you hear the comments
said to you or behind your back! It floors me! If I’m honest it gets me angry
too. Because I feel we have a mandate don’t we? To look after the widow and the
orphans. And we believe these children in the foster care system are the
orphans of our city through no fault of their own.

How can we ignore this? How have we?  I have people say but you need to put
your children first and I would think DO WE???? We don’t!!!  Are these not Gods children too? Who will
look after them?  People have said to me
but what about your kids you don’t want them to miss out. But the thing is my
kids are not the ones missing out it’s these children!!!!  Yes my children have had to sacrifice so
much!!! But I don’t in anyway apologise for that I honour them for that!!!  Hayden and I decided and have had many conversions
on this as comments are made it’s made us look deep!!!!  We decided we wanted our kids to live a life
of sacrifice and ourselves. It doesn’t come without cost believe me!!!  It has cost us sooo much and sometimes it
aches. To not act would be so much easier but arn’t we all called to live a
life of sacrifice for the sake of others to show them love.

My children have given up bedrooms which they do willing
which amazes me they are so cool. My children have had to share their parents it’s a cost!! We
have to juggle so much more. Life sure gets busy and we have had some kids with
some major issues and very heartbreaking stories.  I had children turn up with no underwear,
smelling bad, Clothes to small for them there head crawling with head lice and
yes we all got head lice!  I bath them clothe
them I normally cannot resist going and buying them new clothes etc... They
deserve them.  I even had a 7month old
boy for 48hours so off we went and I brought him heaps of clothes and a tiny
cute pair of shoes. It is one time I don’t feel guilty about shoppin haha!! I
see it as an a honour to clothe these beautiful children.

I am currently in a place where I have never felt so heart broken. I am going to share with you why. It is all still raw even though people think I should be fine and over it all by now. It's been a very long lonely journey through this all. But feel it is time to share some of it. 

Well I got a call in feb last  year from Child, Youth and Family asking if we
could take on a lil tiny boy who was prem to foster!! I nearly jumped out of my
skin as I do have a soft spot for babies as I was adopted and had no one for a
couple of weeks to call my family. So I always said to Child, Youth and Family anytime you
mite have a baby I would be keen. Whether in between adoption or woteva!!!  I was SOOO excited when they called. I said YES for sure then said oh actually
I better talk to Hayden and kids hehe! The funny thing was Hayden got the
first call and said my wife couldn’t say no to this. He was so right he knows me
well. Anyway we talked to the kids they were all happy and quite excited as was
I!!!  I was asked if I would like to go
up to the hospital to feed him so we could bond and I said YES I would love to.
The lady from CYFS was so
grateful and couldn't believe I would do that .  But I was so honoured to be
asked to do that. I was so excited I went up by myself the kids where at school
and Hayden at work. I was told he was prem and was tiny and weighed about 4lbs
and was double the weight he was born. He was born at 28weeks. And he was a lil
fighter!!  When I first saw him yes I
fell in love I really did!! I actually had the biggest smile on my face and
couldn’t get ova how tiny he really was. He also was so dark he was  Indian,
Maori mixed baby and he was BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! I felt like a proud mum meeting her
baby for the first time. It was sad to see other babies cribs fulled with gifts
toys etc.. from there loving families and his was kinda empty. I felt so
blessed to be asked to love on this precious new life. As I was standing there
in the special care unit holding him God reminded me of a dream He had given me
about a month before. It was a very clear dream and so real I told Hayden and a
couple of friends about it . Because in this dream I was in a room much like
this one I was holding this beautiful dark
baby boy. As a lot of my friends know I have a huge heart for Africa so I
thought in my dream maybe this is an African baby but he was clearly not he had
a different look. But he was really dark and a boy!!! So right then I called
Hayden and said you remember that dream I had and I reminded him and he buzzed
out with me!! I said it was him!!! We will call this baby lil N as I can’t
really share his real name. 

The next day I couldn’t wait to get up there I could hardly
sleep because of all the excitement. I toke up heaps of soft toy’s etc.. I
wanted him to look loved by many and he was!!! Hayden and I toke the kids up
they were all excited and had turns giving him cuddles and lots of kisses. I
remember at times feeling kinda sad thinking there was no baby shower for him
no celebration of his birth but I knew heaven was and so where we!!! This lil
life was so worth celebrating!!!

I kept trying to tell myself to guard my heart

hold back because we were told we prob only have him for a few weeks maybe a

couple of months at most and that we couldn’t keep him because of our skin

colour YEP!!! U heard me right things are quite different here in NZ!! So I was

trying not to get too attached but it was kinda impossible!!!!! I loved him

from the day I saw him!!! I loved him as if he was my own. He felt like mine

kinda hard to explain. But I knew this was God’s plan especially having the

dream earlier.  I felt like a very proud

mum!!!!  The weeks turned into months

.....and months. We fell more and more in love with him. It toke its toll on me

a bit the nights especially and been prem and he had a blood count problem I had

to wake him up reg. I became so tired and quite withdrawn from life outside the

home and my health was hit hard!!!  So

yeah it cost a lot and the kids and poor Hayden had a very tired and grumpy mum

....but I wouldn’t take it back for anything in fact I would do it all again I think? But my heart is a lil divided on this one though at the mo.